She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
