I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
