i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
