I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
