how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
