I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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