Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
wakey wakey hands off snakey
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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