In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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