where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
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Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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