You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
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