I look better un-naked...
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
