you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
birth control should be required to get into college
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
