Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
