The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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