gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
