so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
