There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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