i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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