Sober January is a disaster.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
