when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize