He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
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