I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Randomize
