Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.
Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
