Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Who did Billy Mays play for?
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Randomize
