I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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