i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
