the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
