No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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