How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
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He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
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I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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