I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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