who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
