Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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