just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
