glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
