Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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