Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
