It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
