I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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