I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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