i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Randomize
