i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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