i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
So. Much. Porn.
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