His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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