Don't make out with my wife yet
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I think a kid would responsible me up
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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