Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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