In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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