My room smells like vodka and shame
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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