i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
