i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
