I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize