the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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