I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
