I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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