i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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