im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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