sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
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you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
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Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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