Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
